


The Positives of Pessimism

by aestivali



Category: Winnie-the-Pooh - A. A. Milne
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4710113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestivali/pseuds/aestivali
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a herd of Heffalumps invades the Hundred Acre Wood, Eeyore greets the event with his usual enthusiasm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Positives of Pessimism

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elf (Elfwreck)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/gifts).



When Eeyore woke up that morning, he knew that Something Was Wrong.

He thought that most days, of course, and he was usually right, because if you're determined to find something wrong you usually can. But today, he did not need to find it. It had found him.

Or, more precisely, it had found someone else - or several someones, judging by the Terrible Noises They Were Making, which were so loud and terrible and noisy that they had grown legs and scampered off to tell everyone how awful things were. And now the noises had found Eeyore, and woken him up, and so he knew that Something Was Wrong.

"Ho hum," he said gloomily, rolling over. He tried to look in the direction of the Noises, except they seemed to be coming from _every_ direction, so he just ended up turning on the spot. "I suppose it's the end of the world. Nice of someone to come and tell me, but that's people for you."

On the subject of people, one now scurried over the brow of the hill, and hurried towards him. Eeyore slowly loped out of his house to see who it was.

"Hello, Piglet," said Eeyore as the little pink figure came closer. "Happy End-of-the-World."

Piglet slowed to a stop, still panting. "It's not the - well, I suppose it is - or might be, but - oh, help! It's not happy at all!"

"Suit yourself," said Eeyore. And then there was silence for a bit. "If it's not too much trouble, before you go, can you tell me _how_ it's ending?"

"It's - well, it's - I don't know if that's the right word for it, but there's a whole _herd_ of Heffalumps in the wood!" said Piglet, who thought he should probably start running again, but he was still catching his breath, for Piglets only had little lungs and they couldn't catch much breath at once.

"I see." Eeyore looked at him sadly, imagining all the damage a collective-noun of Heffalumps could do. "I expect Christopher Robin knows the right word."

Piglet hopped nervously from one foot to another. "Have you seen Christopher Robin?"

Eeyore put his head to one side as he thought. "No," he said at last, "Not since Tuesday. He came to see if I needed Anything, and of course I did, but not Any of the Things he had."

"Oh dear," said Piglet. And then, in view of the desperate situation, he said it twice more. "Oh dear, oh dear."

"Yes, it was rather upsetting. Still, I mustn't grumble. At least he asked - that's more than most do."

"Oh Eeyore," said Piglet, voice almost rising to a wail. "I'm afraid that what I need - and you need, and Pooh needs, and we all need - what we all need right now is Christopher Robin."

"I expect you're right," said Eeyore. "After all, if the Heffalumps eat me, I won't need any of the other Things I needed before."

"No, well - exactly," said Piglet, looking anxiously behind him. "I'm sorry, Eeyore, but I must go. I have to find Christopher Robin. And you should really go too, before the Heffalumps find you." And with that, he hurried off.

Eeyore watched him go. "Thank you, Piglet, for your Concern. But I'm afraid there's no point. If the Heffalumps are here, they'll catch me one way or another. It'll do no good wearing myself out. Then I'd be both Tired and Eaten."

So Eeyore lay down again, this time just outside his house, and he waited for the end to arrive. As he waited, he listened to the Loud And Terrible Noises that were still echoing across the wood. Some of them were high-pitched squeaks, and some were long sad wails, and some were deep low trumpeting sounds. They all worried him, but the trumpeting most of all. It seemed to be coming closer.

The trumpeting got louder and louder, and soon it was accompanied by various crashings and bashings and thumps, and Eeyore guessed that was the sound of a Heffalump stomping his way.

"Or else," said Eeyore, considering the possibilities, "we're being invaded by Heffalumps _and_ something else. Which I expect we are. That's just how things go."

And Eeyore sighed, and went back to listening. The sounds were now Loud and Terrible and also Very Close By. And with a few final crashes, and a thud and a thwack or two, a great big shape tumbled out of a bush and into view.

Eeyore eyed it solemnly. "I suppose you're a Heffalump, and you've come to eat me."

" _Hrumph-a-lumph,_ " said the shape, shaking itself off. "I am a Heffalump, yes."

"I see," said Eeyore. "Quite so. Well, better get it over with then. I don't want my Being Eaten to take all day."

The Heffalump paused, and then it said, "Do you taste nice?"

"Oh, no. I expect I taste horrible." Eeyore shook his head sadly. "All I eat are thistles, when I can even get those, and they're only full of _thistlyness_ , so I suppose now I am too."

The Heffalump squinted at him. "Then why would I eat you?"

"Because you want to, I suppose," said Eeyore. "Isn't that what Heffalumps do?"

"Mostly what Heffalumps do," said the Heffalump, drawing itself up proudly, "is heffing and lumping."

Eeyore sighed heavily. "And I suppose in a minute you'll heff me right into your mouth."

" _Ha-humph!_ " coughed the Heffalump. "Not at all. Let me show you."

And it took a deep breath and began to leap about, all the while blowing through its long grey trunk. And the air as it came rushing out made a loud _heff! heff!_ trumpeting sound, and its big grey feet, as they collided with the ground, made a heavy sort of _lump! lump!_ sound.

"I see," said Eeyore, still gloomy even in the face of that display. "But you do eat, don't you?"

"Oh yes," said the Heffalump, after one final _heff_. "But we mostly eat fruit."

There was a pause. "Not Eeyores?"

"Oh no, not Eeyores. We don't eat those."

Eeyore raised his head. "What about Piglets? Or Poohs?"

"No, not those either," said the Heffalump, its trunk twitching.

Eeyore leaned closer. "How about Rabbits? Or Owls? Or Christopher Robins?"

The Heffalump considered carefully this. Then, finally, it said, "No, we really just eat fruit."

"I should have known," said Eeyore. "The End of the World arrives, and you aren't even going to bother eating me. And after I'd gotten myself all ready for it too." He sighed.

The Heffalump looked at him, first with its head on one side, and then with it on the other. "The world is ending?"

"Of course it is," said Eeyore. "It was bound to eventually. And now you're here, so that's that."

This seemed to alarm the Heffalump. "In that case, I have a lot of lumping I need to finish. Please excuse me." And with another deep breath, and a crash and a bonk, the Heffalump went on its way.

"Yes, of course. You just leave me here, while you go and do Important Things elsewhere. Perhaps you'll run into Piglet. He's off doing Important Things too. So is Owl, I expect, and Pooh. And everyone except me."

And so Eeyore went back inside his house to wait for the world to finish Ending, having experienced ragnarok and found even that disappointing.


End file.
